meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
