I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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