Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
