My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
