He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
