Your face is a jimmy john
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
