I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
