It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
