I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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