Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
