im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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