I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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