I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
