I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
