Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Be still, my beating vagina.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
