Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
