i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
