the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
