last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
