spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
