hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
