If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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