What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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