My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
