my phone needs a breathalizer
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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