M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
