As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
