If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I will pee on everything he values.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
