A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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