Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
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The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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