im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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