He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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