Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
