Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
