I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
