weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
