Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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