My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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