i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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