Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
