I just made out with a guy for $7.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
