oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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