Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
