I showed him my bush... on skype.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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