He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
