He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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