I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
