A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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