Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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