Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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