sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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