New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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