you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
