She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
