I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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