He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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