Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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